I'M TRYING...
I'm trying each day to give my kids my best. To have patience with them, to show them love. Give them structure and routine. Get them to exercise, pray, clean, be kind and still have fun together as a family. Go to the pool, go for a bike ride, get together with friends, go to the beach. Keep them active healthy and happy. Read to them each night. Tell them everyday that I love them, and that they are my treasures.
I'm trying to keep in good shape. To run at least 4 times week with a weekly total of at least 30 miles. Not really training for anything in particular, just need to know that I am keeping myself fit and that I can run a decent half marathon without dying at any given moment.
I'm trying to eat healthy. I start every day with some sort of smoothie, no added sugar and usually more vegetables than fruits. Then a protein shake for lunch, a snack somewhere in the afternoon. Some sort of chicken with vegetables either in a salad form or grilled for dinner. And I end each day with a bit of a treat.
I'm trying to run a house. Keep up on the laundry, grocery shopping, random errands, bills to pay, meals to cook, floors to clean, lawns to mow, bathrooms to clean, toilets to scrub. ew.
I'm trying to prepare to move my family 3,000 miles away to the other side of the country. I'm trying to do this in the cheapest way possible, while still making it do-able since I am on my own. There are cars to get shipped, and entire house to box up and pack in a way that things won't get too damaged on the journey out there. Kids school records to be gotten, utilities to be cancelled, garbage to be thrown out, piles of stuff to be taken to goodwill. A month left on our lease that I need to sell. Tickets to be purchased and reservations to be made.
I'm trying to find a good home for us in San Francisco. A place with a decent school, a home that we can afford, but still function in. A place where my family can be happy and feel safe. A ward with welcoming people that my kids & I can make new friends with.
I'm trying to figure out how we are ever going to afford everything. Moving is never cheap. Moving somewhere that things are easily 3 times the price....that much harder to pull off.
I'm trying to figure out how to say good bye. To my home. Florida. To my friends who I consider family. To tell them how sorry and sad I am to leave them all. To tell them about the tears that don't stop every time I think about leaving.
I'm trying to be a support to Ben. To not weigh him down with things at home. To encourage him each and every day. To not complain about the kids fights, tantrums, and the days when I am just done.
I'm trying to not to freak out. I'm trying not to think about everything that can and probably will go wrong, I'm trying to keep my head above water....But sometimes...
I'M DONE.
I can't help that kid again, or clean that mess for the bazillionth time. I don't want to do the nightly routine I just want the kids in bed and have just a few small moments to myself before I have to start all over again.
Running is getting harder every time I go out. Its getting hotter each day and more humid. I feel tired and just want the extra sleep. Oh sleep. How I love thee.
Treats. Oh I love treats. Why can't I stay slim eating delicious buttery rolls, warm gooey brownies, and big bowls of ice cream??? Sometimes I find myself digging out that tub of ice cream at 11 pm or cutting another 5 "small" brownies. sigh.
No matter how many times I clean my house, or make beds or fold laundry...it all has to be done all over again. So why bother??? Add packing to all that plus kids home all day...oh boy.
Moving. 3 times, in 3 years. twice across the country. Trying to figure all this out in my head on my own sometimes gives me a monstrous anxiety attack and a serious headache.
Finding another great home...is there even a chance?
We'll never afford all this...how many credit cards do we have? And what is the max on all those? ;) ;)
I can't. I can't say good bye.
I have bad days too. And sometimes I just want to spend my day whining.
Sometimes I freak out, and my head starts to go under water.
BUT THEN..
I pray. And I pray and I pray and I pray. I give it all to the Lord. Tell him every concern struggle and frustration that I have. I lay it all out on the table. I cry for help, for strength, for the ability to handle everything that is coming my way.
AND THEN..
I am at peace. I move forward. I do my best. I keep trying. I start over. I try to be the best mom I can. I go for the run even though it's stinkin hot outside. I find a new healthy recipe & try not to beat myself up for the ice cream cone I had earlier. ;) I get the kids to help me clean the house. I buy plane tickets, reserve trucks and movers and start packing up boxes. I keep my eyes open for a decent new home and do all the research I can on neighborhoods and schools. I pay my tithing and spend as little as I can get away with. And if worse comes to worse, Ben can find a job and be employed within a week. Goodbye will be hard, so hard. But there are good people everywhere and I will keep in touch with those here. Ben needs me. No matter how crappy it is here, I have times where I can take a break...he doesn't...ever.
I trust that things will work out because they always have. I continue to pray, find that peace & strength, and I just keep on keepin on.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Single Mom-ing it Week #1
One week. It has been one whole week since Ben left. I actually can't believe how fast that week went. Let's hope the remaining 14 weeks fly by just as quickly right? One can dream right??
So let's start with one week ago, Sunday.
Since it was Ben's last day here, my good friend Amy Hillis threw a grand farewell party for Ben. I couldn't believe how many people came and what a great time we all had. There was tons of food, tons of friends, lots of laughs and just a great time. Ben had a great time talking with all the guys and I know he was sad to say good bye to all his friends here. Thank you everyone who showed up, brought food and had fun with us. We love you all!
5 am Monday morning came much to soon. It was time to drive Ben on out to the airport. Give him one lost kiss and a good long hug. And then he was off. sigh. I think if it hadn't been Harrison's Bday I might have had a very rough day.
Yes, Harrison's Birthday. I feel so bad, last year I missed it because I was at my brother's wedding. And now this year Ben missed it because he is going to be away on business in Chicago until sometime in September. Sorry little Harrison. Fortunately, he seemed to have a fabulous Bday. We started the day off with big bowls of Lucky Charms, Cartoon watching and then lots of presents to open. We had already opened a few before Ben left. But we finished the rest off that morning. He got lots of stuffed animals...Kittens to be exact. He loves cats more than anything. He meowed all day long and took them everywhere with him. He still does. They sit with him while he does his homework, chores and even eats bfast with him. So funny. His Gma Morrise got him a little Vet kit with an animal carrier, he is loving that thing. Now his kitties come along with him in the car too. Funny boy.
Anyways, after we played all morning we picked up his cake form the store....as soon as I saw it I started laughing. It was supposed to be a Beyblade cake with red & blue frosting. It was a beyblade cake...but with bright pink and purple frosting. As soon as he saw it he said "that's okay, that's fine. I'll still like it." Good boy. Easy to please. Then it was off to the pool to swim with friends and share cake. He had a great time, we all did, and we all ate too much cake. mmmm, frosting.... Then it was time for the surprise. I had told him that his dinner was a great surprise. All week he had been trying to figure out what the surprise was. I told him it had nothing to do with toys, or playthings...just food. And where did I take them? Golden Corral.
You should know that I hate buffets. Just driving by one makes me want to barf. The entire thing makes me just a little sick. So I have never taken my kids to one...ever. And then the other day a friend was telling me how her kids love Golden Corral more than anything, that it is their favorite place to go. And then I remembered how my Gma used to take our family to this Buffet every time she came to visit and how much I loooooooved going there. And I realized that it was time to share this disgusting treat with my kids.
We got there, I told the kids the magic of endless desserts and getting as many plates as they wanted and all the joys of a buffet. They were amazed. "Wait mom, we can eat ANYTHING we want? Any dessert? Anything? really?" Yes kids, make yourselves sick. Have at it. And they did. They were in love. They tasted every dang dessert there, each took a few different plates of food...including an entire plate of cottage cheese and peaches...funny. And when we were all done eating, there was Harrison. Still going back for more. That kids greatest love in life is food and he was living the dream. He sat there, having to take large breaths between bites, stuffing his cute little face until he finally said "mom, I think I need to burp.....or maybe barf."
And that was the end of eating. I told him he was done. He sat back in his chair...stuck in a food coma...for several minutes before he finally got up to leave. Ah. It was a fun adventure. The kids are still talking about it.
Tuesday it was back to school, cleaning up from a long weekend, and trying to eat a little healthier for all of us. Sophie and I went for a long bike ride. I had her in the bike trailer and while we were out the wind really picked up. So much so that I could barely peddle us home. By the time we got home both my legs were shaking and were in constant pain for a couple days.
Anyways, the rest of the week flew by. It seems I have to just keep going going going from the time my alarm goes off until I am finally laying down in bed. I feel like I've got a good schedule/routine going on to keep up on everything. I feel like I'm always on the move, but I never feel overwhelmed by it all and everything seems to get done. It's funny, there are a few things that Ben did that I never even thought about doing. For instance. it had been several days before I realized I had never gotten the mail. Ben has always grabbed the mail from the time we got married. I don't even think about it. I didn't even know where the mail key was or which mailbox was ours. I had to call and ask him. hahaha. I haven't tackled mowing and edging the lawns yet, but that'll be a good chore tomorrow morning when it, hopefully, isn't raining.
I have been very glad each night to be able to video chat with Ben. He has even been able to have scripture study and family prayer with all of us. I am very grateful for modern technology cause I think I would just miss him way too much if I couldn't see him every day. But each night we chat and laugh together and talk about everything going on, and it doesn't feel like he is so far away. He still very in touch with our lives and what all is going on. The kids like seeing him too.
Friday we had the kids Tri team practice (they meet every Mon Wed 7 am & Fri 4 pm) after school where we practiced swimming. James of course excelled, and Harrison of course, was happy to simply float across the pool.....not even bothering to kick. funny boy. Sophie is still my fish and spent the entire time swimming across the pool or diving down for toys. After Tri team we went out for pizza...cheese pizza...our favorite. Then a movie and popcorn. We love family fun night. Saturday I slept in, it was delicious. Then the kids and I all cleaned the house. They actually all did a great job. They helped clean things up, then James Vacuumed and harrison wiped all the bathrooms down while I finished up the laundry.
Then once I had gotten a good hot run in, we packed up the car and drove to the beach. Only to be met with a downpour. Dang it. So we went on into Mc Donalds and played & ate there until the rain stopped. Which it did. So we hurried on down to the beach and played for a good hour. THe waves were crazy so the boys had a blast playing in the water. Sophie and I stayed in the sand and played with buckets and shovels. Once it started to get dark I called the kids on in and we headed home. Onyl to be met with the worst downpour I have ever been in. I literally could not tell if we were on the road or not. I had James looking for the white lines and telling me if he could see them and if I had crossed over it or not. It lasted the entire 45 minutes home and was terrifying. Harrison and Sophie were both freaking out because the car kept getting whipped about by the wind and rain. I kept telling them we would be fine, everything would be fine....but I was really just praying that everything would be fine....I was very glad to get home safe and sound.
Anyways, week one has gone well. If all weeks go this well I will be one happy single momma. But I know that the only reason this week has gone so well is because of prayers. Both mine, Ben's and families who are thinking of us. I am always and forever grateful for the power of prayer. For the strength it gives me every single day. I know that is the only way I am going to make it through this summer, the move, and the life awaiting us in San Fran.
Right now though, it is game time. Each night about an hour before bedtime we pull out a board game, eat a snack and play. It is fun, and my kids are waiting for me so I had better go. Much love!
So let's start with one week ago, Sunday.
Since it was Ben's last day here, my good friend Amy Hillis threw a grand farewell party for Ben. I couldn't believe how many people came and what a great time we all had. There was tons of food, tons of friends, lots of laughs and just a great time. Ben had a great time talking with all the guys and I know he was sad to say good bye to all his friends here. Thank you everyone who showed up, brought food and had fun with us. We love you all!
5 am Monday morning came much to soon. It was time to drive Ben on out to the airport. Give him one lost kiss and a good long hug. And then he was off. sigh. I think if it hadn't been Harrison's Bday I might have had a very rough day.
Yes, Harrison's Birthday. I feel so bad, last year I missed it because I was at my brother's wedding. And now this year Ben missed it because he is going to be away on business in Chicago until sometime in September. Sorry little Harrison. Fortunately, he seemed to have a fabulous Bday. We started the day off with big bowls of Lucky Charms, Cartoon watching and then lots of presents to open. We had already opened a few before Ben left. But we finished the rest off that morning. He got lots of stuffed animals...Kittens to be exact. He loves cats more than anything. He meowed all day long and took them everywhere with him. He still does. They sit with him while he does his homework, chores and even eats bfast with him. So funny. His Gma Morrise got him a little Vet kit with an animal carrier, he is loving that thing. Now his kitties come along with him in the car too. Funny boy.
Anyways, after we played all morning we picked up his cake form the store....as soon as I saw it I started laughing. It was supposed to be a Beyblade cake with red & blue frosting. It was a beyblade cake...but with bright pink and purple frosting. As soon as he saw it he said "that's okay, that's fine. I'll still like it." Good boy. Easy to please. Then it was off to the pool to swim with friends and share cake. He had a great time, we all did, and we all ate too much cake. mmmm, frosting.... Then it was time for the surprise. I had told him that his dinner was a great surprise. All week he had been trying to figure out what the surprise was. I told him it had nothing to do with toys, or playthings...just food. And where did I take them? Golden Corral.
You should know that I hate buffets. Just driving by one makes me want to barf. The entire thing makes me just a little sick. So I have never taken my kids to one...ever. And then the other day a friend was telling me how her kids love Golden Corral more than anything, that it is their favorite place to go. And then I remembered how my Gma used to take our family to this Buffet every time she came to visit and how much I loooooooved going there. And I realized that it was time to share this disgusting treat with my kids.
We got there, I told the kids the magic of endless desserts and getting as many plates as they wanted and all the joys of a buffet. They were amazed. "Wait mom, we can eat ANYTHING we want? Any dessert? Anything? really?" Yes kids, make yourselves sick. Have at it. And they did. They were in love. They tasted every dang dessert there, each took a few different plates of food...including an entire plate of cottage cheese and peaches...funny. And when we were all done eating, there was Harrison. Still going back for more. That kids greatest love in life is food and he was living the dream. He sat there, having to take large breaths between bites, stuffing his cute little face until he finally said "mom, I think I need to burp.....or maybe barf."
And that was the end of eating. I told him he was done. He sat back in his chair...stuck in a food coma...for several minutes before he finally got up to leave. Ah. It was a fun adventure. The kids are still talking about it.
Tuesday it was back to school, cleaning up from a long weekend, and trying to eat a little healthier for all of us. Sophie and I went for a long bike ride. I had her in the bike trailer and while we were out the wind really picked up. So much so that I could barely peddle us home. By the time we got home both my legs were shaking and were in constant pain for a couple days.
Anyways, the rest of the week flew by. It seems I have to just keep going going going from the time my alarm goes off until I am finally laying down in bed. I feel like I've got a good schedule/routine going on to keep up on everything. I feel like I'm always on the move, but I never feel overwhelmed by it all and everything seems to get done. It's funny, there are a few things that Ben did that I never even thought about doing. For instance. it had been several days before I realized I had never gotten the mail. Ben has always grabbed the mail from the time we got married. I don't even think about it. I didn't even know where the mail key was or which mailbox was ours. I had to call and ask him. hahaha. I haven't tackled mowing and edging the lawns yet, but that'll be a good chore tomorrow morning when it, hopefully, isn't raining.
I have been very glad each night to be able to video chat with Ben. He has even been able to have scripture study and family prayer with all of us. I am very grateful for modern technology cause I think I would just miss him way too much if I couldn't see him every day. But each night we chat and laugh together and talk about everything going on, and it doesn't feel like he is so far away. He still very in touch with our lives and what all is going on. The kids like seeing him too.
Friday we had the kids Tri team practice (they meet every Mon Wed 7 am & Fri 4 pm) after school where we practiced swimming. James of course excelled, and Harrison of course, was happy to simply float across the pool.....not even bothering to kick. funny boy. Sophie is still my fish and spent the entire time swimming across the pool or diving down for toys. After Tri team we went out for pizza...cheese pizza...our favorite. Then a movie and popcorn. We love family fun night. Saturday I slept in, it was delicious. Then the kids and I all cleaned the house. They actually all did a great job. They helped clean things up, then James Vacuumed and harrison wiped all the bathrooms down while I finished up the laundry.
Then once I had gotten a good hot run in, we packed up the car and drove to the beach. Only to be met with a downpour. Dang it. So we went on into Mc Donalds and played & ate there until the rain stopped. Which it did. So we hurried on down to the beach and played for a good hour. THe waves were crazy so the boys had a blast playing in the water. Sophie and I stayed in the sand and played with buckets and shovels. Once it started to get dark I called the kids on in and we headed home. Onyl to be met with the worst downpour I have ever been in. I literally could not tell if we were on the road or not. I had James looking for the white lines and telling me if he could see them and if I had crossed over it or not. It lasted the entire 45 minutes home and was terrifying. Harrison and Sophie were both freaking out because the car kept getting whipped about by the wind and rain. I kept telling them we would be fine, everything would be fine....but I was really just praying that everything would be fine....I was very glad to get home safe and sound.
Anyways, week one has gone well. If all weeks go this well I will be one happy single momma. But I know that the only reason this week has gone so well is because of prayers. Both mine, Ben's and families who are thinking of us. I am always and forever grateful for the power of prayer. For the strength it gives me every single day. I know that is the only way I am going to make it through this summer, the move, and the life awaiting us in San Fran.
Right now though, it is game time. Each night about an hour before bedtime we pull out a board game, eat a snack and play. It is fun, and my kids are waiting for me so I had better go. Much love!
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