I'm Trying

I'M TRYING...

I'm trying each day to give my kids my best. To have patience with them, to show them love. Give them structure and routine. Get them to exercise, pray, clean, be kind and still have fun together as a family. Go to the pool, go for a bike ride, get together with friends, go to the beach. Keep them active healthy and happy. Read to them each night. Tell them everyday that I love them, and that they are my treasures.

I'm trying to keep in good shape. To run at least 4 times week with a weekly total of at least 30 miles. Not really training for anything in particular, just need to know that I am keeping myself fit and that I can run a decent half marathon without dying at any given moment.

I'm trying to eat healthy. I start every day with some sort of smoothie, no added sugar and usually more vegetables than fruits. Then a protein shake for lunch, a snack somewhere in the afternoon. Some sort of chicken with vegetables either in a salad form or grilled for dinner. And I end each day with a bit of a treat.

I'm trying to run a house. Keep up on the laundry, grocery shopping, random errands, bills to pay, meals to cook, floors to clean, lawns to mow, bathrooms to clean, toilets to scrub. ew.

I'm trying to prepare to move my family 3,000 miles away to the other side of the country. I'm trying to do this in the cheapest way possible, while still making it do-able since I am on my own. There are cars to get shipped, and entire house to box up and pack in a way that things won't get too damaged on the journey out there. Kids school records to be gotten, utilities to be cancelled, garbage to be thrown out, piles of stuff to be taken to goodwill. A month left on our lease that I need to sell. Tickets to be purchased and reservations to be made.

I'm trying to find a good home for us in San Francisco. A place with a decent school, a home that we can afford, but still function in. A place where my family can be happy and feel safe. A ward with welcoming people that my kids & I can make new friends with.

I'm trying to figure out how we are ever going to afford everything. Moving is never cheap. Moving somewhere that things are easily 3 times the price....that much harder to pull off.

I'm trying to figure out how to say good bye. To my home. Florida. To my friends who I consider family. To tell them how sorry and sad I am to leave them all. To tell them about the tears that don't stop every time I think about leaving.

I'm trying to be a support to Ben. To not weigh him down with things at home. To encourage him each and every day. To not complain about the kids fights, tantrums, and the days when I am just done.

I'm trying to not to freak out. I'm trying not to think about everything that can and probably will go wrong, I'm trying to keep my head above water....But sometimes...

I'M DONE.

I can't help that kid again, or clean that mess for the bazillionth time. I don't want to do the nightly routine I just want the kids in bed and have just a few small moments to myself before I have to start all over again.

Running is getting harder every time I go out. Its getting hotter each day and more humid. I feel tired and just want the extra sleep. Oh sleep. How I love thee.

Treats. Oh I love treats. Why can't I stay slim eating delicious buttery rolls, warm gooey brownies, and big bowls of ice cream??? Sometimes I find myself digging out that tub of ice cream at 11 pm or cutting another 5 "small" brownies. sigh.

No matter how many times I clean my house, or make beds or fold laundry...it all has to be done all over again. So why bother??? Add packing to all that plus kids home all day...oh boy.

Moving. 3 times, in 3 years. twice across the country. Trying to figure all this out in my head on my own sometimes gives me a monstrous anxiety attack and a serious headache.

Finding another great home...is there even a chance?

We'll never afford all this...how many credit cards do we have? And what is the max on all those? ;) ;)

I can't. I can't say good bye.

I have bad days too. And sometimes I just want to spend my day whining.

Sometimes I freak out, and my head starts to go under water.

BUT THEN..

I pray. And I pray and I pray and I pray. I give it all to the Lord. Tell him every concern struggle and frustration that I have. I lay it all out on the table. I cry for help, for strength, for the ability to handle everything that is coming my way.

AND THEN..

I am at peace. I move forward. I do my best. I keep trying. I start over. I try to be the best mom I can. I go for the run even though it's stinkin hot outside. I find a new healthy recipe & try not to beat myself up for the ice cream cone I had earlier. ;) I get the kids to help me clean the house. I buy plane tickets, reserve trucks and movers and start packing up boxes. I keep my eyes open for a decent new home and do all the research I can on neighborhoods and schools. I pay my tithing and spend as little as I can get away with. And if worse comes to worse, Ben can find a job and be employed within a week. Goodbye will be hard, so hard. But there are good people everywhere and I will keep in touch with those here. Ben needs me. No matter how crappy it is here, I have times where I can take a break...he doesn't...ever.

I trust that things will work out because they always have. I continue to pray, find that peace & strength, and I just keep on keepin on.